Just... Don't ask about the title, nor about this. I just started typing without thinking, and this is what came out...
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Just as you look at me, I can’t help but search in those eyes I know so well the glimpse of recognition, of awareness, that would release me of my suffering. A glimpse of light that would help me out of the darkness my soul is engulfed into. But no, there is no light. There is no recognition, no awareness of my presence. And it pains me, that blank stare you’re directing at the white wall pierces right into the heart I thought had long since been killed. I don’t know if it’s alive or not, but the pain I feel is real, it makes me want to do what I could not in the past. It makes me want to rip my chest open and take it out, throw it far away, where it can no longer make me feel like my world is about to crumble under the weight of your eyes. Such a useless thing to have, a heart. What is its purpose? What am I supposed to do with it? I don’t want to carry such a burden, I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want such a thing as feelings. They’ve proved to be useless, to be my downfall, to be the reason I died once.
But I do not repent, don’t take me wrong, my dear. I’m glad I died, I’m glad I got rid of those feelings you were so fond of. You betrayed me, didn’t you? You did not show a sign of being sorry, you did not show a sign of betraying me against your will. I learnt the hard way that trust is something we cannot allow ourselves to have, a luxury we cannot afford. If you trust, you are dead. Simple, isn’t it? Something we should be taught from start, and yet we are not. I can’t help but to wonder… Why? Why are we deceived in such a manner, why are we told that we have to trust people? Just so others can step over us. Just so… Damn. There’s no use. No use in trying to change a society so rotten it’s going to fall one day. I can’t wait… I can’t wait until the day that happens. I will crush this society with my own hands if it’s necessary… And nothing will give me more satisfaction.
And you, my love. You. You will crumble too. Beneath my hands… Your face of despair and hopelessness with be a delight to my eyes. Pleasure, pure pleasure. A guilty pleasure, a rotten pleasure, but pleasure after all. Nothing matters more than bodily pleasure. You taught me that, you carved that lesson into my skin. Bodily pleasure is all. Nothing can compare to it. And now watch you… What you are now. What you’ve become.
But this pain. This pain won’t stop. This pain intensifies with the thought of you disappearing from this hideous world I so despise. You were my only light. The only pure being in this world… Who took that light away from you? It should have been me. If someone had to steal the light you possessed, no one else but me had the right to do it. You promised. You promised to give everything you had to me! To me and no one else!
As I take some steps forward towards you, something inside me breaks, shattered to millions of pieces. I don’t care. I don’t want to care. I’m not supposed to care. I know what I have to do. I can’t delay it anymore. My hands reach out for your pale, delicate neck. No trace of the marks I once left in that graceful neck of yours remains. And as they close around it and squeeze, I can’t help but look into your eyes to see, to search for a look of fear in them. Just the utmost disinterest greets me. You…
My hands press harder, I watch you as you gasp and choke, I observe you as your muscles twist and squirm beneath my grasp, I see your toes curl just as if you were reaching the ecstasy. I cannot allow that. No, my love. I will take away everything that is precious to you, everything you long for, everything you want. Until you beg, until you fall. Just as I did.
Your inert body lies on the floor now. Even like that, even in death, you are the most beautiful human I have ever seen. And the most beautiful one I will ever see. But you, you couldn’t die just like that. You had to take the one thing I had left before life abandoned your body. You took my pride.
Because, just as I saw the life slowly leaving your eyes, I could not see any emotion in them, nor understanding. You weren’t here. You hadn’t been in a long time, and you couldn’t have cared less. You made the sweetest victory become bitter, as bitter as it can be.
You will not haunt me again. But I will not be released from my burden, my hatred. And for that, my dearest. For that, I will hate you for eternity. Because someone without a heart cannot die, for they are not alive.
